I found the visit to the senior center to be enlightening, wholesome and overall a really lovely experience. The senior center itself is housed in a stunning building, which buzzed with life and laughter all the moments I spent in it. The amount of activity, not to mention the diverse selection of activities offered, buck the cultural stereotypes that seniors are boring, bored or otherwise listless and absentminded. The senior center presents a group of sharp and vivacious people eager to utilize their time with expansion of the mind, exercise of the body and building of community.
The discussion at my table during our visit centered a lot on relationships between mothers and daughters. Everyone at the table was/is a daughter, and most of us are also mothers. We spoke about miscommunications that happened between parents and their children. Often, we reflected, a parent accidentally “says” something to their child, even if they don’t actually speak directly to them. For example, one of the women (I can’t remember her name! Next time I will write everyone’s name down) at our table shared that her daughter in the past accused her of fat shaming. She said that she was surprised and appalled to learn her daughter felt that way. If she ever expressed concern, she said, it was for her daughter’s health and she didn’t intend to shame. I related to this because, although my mom has never talked about my weight or how my weight relates to my health, I did witness her talking negatively about her own body often throughout my childhood. Likely my mom was totally unaware of the effect her words about “saddle sacks” and “thunder thighs” and “spare-tire rolls”, were having on me. This conversation in conjunction with They Don’t Mean to But They Do, helped me realize how much goes unsaid, or is assumed about our parents, and elders in general. Molly and Daniel both make assumptions about their parents. It made me wonder, how many misunderstandings happen because we have been accidentally and silently hurt by our parents in our childhood; how much extra work do we do because we are avoiding a conversation? It also occurs to me that people change! We expect growth from children, some strive for it within themselves, but how many of us assume seniors can’t grow or change and so we don’t bring up a topic we feel was already addressed years, or decades ago? My greatest takeaway from our first senior center giveaway is a personal vow to always try and keep lines of communication open between my mom and I, even when it feels scary.
On a completely different note, another thing that has really stuck with me since the visit is how much perspective I gained about labels and terminology. I have always used the world elder to describe people the same age or older than my parents. We had a brief discussion of words like: elder, senior, old-person etc. Nearly everyone at the table said they disliked the word, elder. I was totally surprised! This word was taught to me because my family reveres elders and I’ve always thought of it as a respectful term. Since hearing that most of the women at my discussion table prefer the label of senior, I have been trying to switch up my language and save the term elder for someone I personally know. This way I feel they would know me well enough to understand I use it only with the utmost respect and admiration. This was really enlightening and kind of made me have a slap-yourself-on-the-forehead-with-an-open-palm moment. Labels matter, not because we need to squeeze everyone into a little container, but because using the labels which people feel comfortable with is respectful. And everyone deserves respect.
Coming to Age 