Author: gracehirschfeld

“That fall there had been some discussion of death. Our deaths. Franklin being eighty-three years old and myself seventy-one at the time we had naturally made plans for our funerals (none) and for the (Immediate) in a plot already purchased … It was just the act of dying that had been left out or up to chance.” (Munroe, 342) 

The idea that someone would take time out of their life to plan for the absence of their life seems preposterous to me. It seems that there is not nearly enough time to live life to its fullest as it is, let alone planning for one’s own death. Death is such an unpredictable event that it seems almost impossible to “plan” for in the right way. That being said death seems to be one of the only promises life makes. The narrator accepts the truth of death in such a matter of fact way. When she thinks “that fall there had been some discussion of death.” She says it in such a casual manner that one would think she is talking about something as simple as what dress she should wear to a party. However, this casual sentence contrasts to the emphasis placed on the pithy next sentence stating that it was “Our deaths.” The narrator was discussing. This sentence structure makes sense because the concept of death can be discussed casually more easily than the idea of one’s own death. However,  the narrator continues to go on talking about planning her husband’s death in such a casual manner, she even calls it “natural” to plan for one’s death. Although she does acknowledge the unpredictableness of death when she thinks “ It was just the act of dying that had been left out or up to chance.” 

In America death is a taboo, it is not something that we are told to plan for as a child in the same ways that some of us plan for big life events like weddings as children. As a culture it seems that we are deeply afraid of death, we don’t want to acknowledge something that has taken so many of our loved ones from us and will continue to do so. We don’t want to acknowledge something that we know so little about. 

Response to “I Stand Here Ironing”

“She was too vulnerable for that terrible world of youthful competition, of preening and parading, of constant measure‐ ing of yourself against every other, of envy, “If I had that copper hair,” or “If I had that skin. . .” She tormented herself enough about not looking like the others, there was enough of the unsureness, the having to be conscious of words before you speak, the constant caring—what are they thinking of me?” (Olsen, page 5)

As obvious as it is, I never really consciously came to terms with how much being a mother is watching your child go through their various stages of pain, which is especially prevalent in one’s teen years, and sometimes not knowing what to do to help. As a teenager you are so self conscious, you think everyone is watching your every move all the time, it is as if you have an imaginary audience and because of that most teenagers care painfully about how they look. It shows how empathetic Momma is that she worries about Emily’s feelings when they are about something as seemingly simple as how she looks, especially when she has so many other children to worry about. Momma’s thoughts bring validity to what Emily is thinking, Momma thinks, “She was too vulnerable for that terrible world of youthful competition”. By using the words “vulnerable”, “terrible” and “Painful” Momma is truly able to bring into light just how much Emily is suffering in her teenage world, for the reader. It further amazes me that Momma is still able to have so much empathy for the seemingly benign things that Emily worries about, because when Momma was a teenager she had to worry about seemingly much bigger things like getting a job to feed her children on her own. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to watch your daughter go through so much pain and feel like there is nothing that you can do about it. Moreover, I appreciate that this story does not glorify youth, like many other stories do. 

This is the link to my cultural report. My report is inspired by “A Sheltered Woman”. Once you have opened the slides, please click the three dots in the upper right hand corner and then switch speaker notes on for the whole cultural report. https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/1-fI-2cmPchEp0ZYUhDWa5W56v0cEaogzb1_7WTDYOCs

I was very much looking forward to the senior center visit, especially after the last visit. The ladies I sat with were Peg, Marry, Francesca and Alana. We all agreed, after reflecting on the beginning of the book that it is often times so easy to speculate “What if”, as many of the characters do. Christopher thinks “what if” the doctors had done a better job, Fran thinks “what if” she like Sara had died at an early age. This book goes to show that the grass always seems greener on the other side. Even though Christopher is terribly upset by the death of his wife the narrator reveals that Sara and Christopher were not all too happy to begin with, even before Sara got her disease. 

Peg went on to talk about how we all live in a state of denial when it comes to our death. This is very true, especially in America. Americans have created a culture that seems to be deeply afraid of death. We try to ignore death as much as possible, even though it is inevitable. Marry admitted that sometimes when she sees ads on tv selling products preparing the elderly for death that she goes as far as to switch off the TV. She then went on to tell us about how she got an ad in the mail asking her to start preparing for her funeral and it made her feel really uncomfortable. We all appreciated how the book normalized death and showed death intervening with a variety of people at all different ages. 

Because death happens to everyone we did not see old people dying in a heroic way, despite it being suggested as heroic. Heroes are unique and special, whereas death is all too common. Marry then posed the question why the phrase “_____ put up a valiant fight” is used so often in reference to dying people. She questioned if it meant that the people dying were brave for trying to prolong their longevity by experimenting with new medicines and thus prolonging their suffering. I think that this phrase is used so often because we want a happy ending and when we see someone suffering from a terrible disease it ruins our happy ending. So instead of saying that they suffered greatly we say they put up a valiant fight to comfort ourselves. After all, what we say about the dead is only to comfort the living ears. 

Alana and Peg disliked the text. Alana thought that the sentences carried on in a superfluous manner. However, I enjoyed the use of details as well as the witty humor used in the book. Alan thought that the lack of plot was disappointing, however I enjoyed hearing about Fran’s everyday life and the things that mattered to her. Alana wished that the text was broken up with dialogue throughout the book which I readily agreed with. More dialogue in the book would make for a more palatable reading. Peg added that she wished there were chapters in the book, so it didn’t feel like the book dragged on for so long; I also thought that book could have benefited from chapters. We all wondered if the other 20 books Drabble has written follow a similar writing style or not. I would imagine that her writing style has evolved throughout the years. 

The senior ladies I got to meet were very kind and welcoming. They surprised me because they had a very positive view of younger people. This was unexpected to me, especially given that both of the readings we had just consumed explored how horribly elderly women were treated by their children. Moreover, after some conversation, most of the elderly women at my table revealed that they all could in some way relate to the mistreatment received by the elderly women in both the stories. They talked about how their friends had had similar expectations of being single widowers placed on them by their children, just like Molly and Mama. One of the ladies, Marcia, wondered if we would have changed the assumptions that we had written down on index cards about both young and old people, if the group we were talking with was solely young people or solely old people, instead of a mixture of both. 

One stereotype that the women at my table challenged is that old people are not technologically advanced. Marcia had come prepared with an article she had found online about They May Not Mean to But They Do. The Article was by Penelope Lively and one of themes in the story it talked about was the overwhelming guilt felt by the main characters in the story. Penelope wrote about how Joy felt guilty for being a burden whereas the children felt guilty for not being able to help as much. Marcia also was quick to look up Cathline Schine’s age, 67. Our group talked about how it probably would have been very difficult for Cathline to write this book if she was a young adult and trying to write about people twice her age. Moreover, Marcia assisted our conversation about the effects of intersectionality in “My Man Bovanne” by giving us background information on intersectionality. Another thing that Marcia had researched prior to coming to the discussion was the notion that African American grandchildren recently have developed an interest in preserving their heritage, which related to the children in “My Man Bovanne” wanting their mother to take off her wig and show her natural hair. To say the least, Marcia’s use of technology helped contribute a lot to the conversation. 

One topic that our group explored was the adult child’s need to control their parent’s life. The elderly women at the table shared how a lot of other old people they knew had children who had an insistent need to control their parent’s life especially when it came to their living situation. This is understandable to me as someone who cares deeply for the safety of their parents. However, I think that if like Molly a parent is perfectly capable they should have autonomy over themselves and where they live. As stated earlier, we then went on to talk about how children expect their elderly parents to be single once their significant other dies. Wendy told our group about how her cousin became very upset with her father when he started seeing someone directly after the death of his wife and never forgave him for it, even after his death. In response our group seemed to collectively agree that the happiness of the widow is more important than the perceived betrayal of the dead significant other. We all tended to empathize with Molly and her desire for a relationship after her husband died, despite her children’s wishes. However, as Wendy said, it can be hard on the younger person, especially when you are actually in that position, of having to not think about your parent moving on as an act of betrayal.