Author: Jessica Griepenburg

I was so happy to open the Zoom link and see not only the faces of my peers but also the faces of the seniors we had visited with twice before. After moving back home, there were many things I was sad to leave behind but the experiences gained from this class were high on my list. So having another chance to connect with everyone felt very special and brought a lot of light into my life.

I had the lucky opportunity to hear Patricia Powell share this first chapter of Balm Yard last semester in a literature class and it was really interesting reading it and hearing her share it again, this time from a completely different lens. The first time I read it I paid very little attention to the main character’s age, but this second time I felt I could understand the story and its characters on a deeper level. I love hearing fiction authors talk about their work, and this meeting was no exception.

What stood out to me in particular was the discussion around mother – daughter relationships. While I think of my own relationship with my mother often, her mother died before I was born so I don’t know much of their relationship. It was really eye-opening to hear people talk about their own relationships with their mothers and/or daughters in reference to the story, particularly when talking about the idea of following in our mothers’ footsteps. It definitely made me look inward to my own life and think more deeply about my actions and future goals.

This discussion also made me think a lot about the idea of destiny, and destiny fulfillment. I think it’s something that comes up in a lot of different stories, especially the more traditional “hero” stories and in fairytales. I really appreciated this new look on what destiny could mean and what it could look like to “fulfill one’s destiny” in a modern, more relatable world.

This story sticks out to me among everything we’ve read in this class so far, in part due to the lack of a romantic element. I noticed a recurring theme in most every other story of the main character exploring a new romance or rekindling an old one. While this story did touch on romantic relationships, the focus on friendship and a relationship between a grandmother and granddaughter was refreshing.

One quote that stuck out to me in particular is as follows: “If her granddaughter was home for stories, Ailin would tell her stories, but she knew that, even though Ying acted nonchalant when the pictures of her posing in an exotic city with stately buildings, grand statues and blue harbours with white boats were admired by her childhood friends, she had already too many stories of her own to shoulder.”

This caught my attention for multiple reasons. The vivid imagery when describing the photos is a device used frequently in this story; the color contrast (blue v.s. white) pops out in the reader’s mind. This passage has a calm, tranquil feeling about it. And yet there is also something deeply melancholic about the end of the sentence: “she had already too many stories of her own to shoulder.” Though we don’t yet know the tragic event that occurred in the lives of Ailin and her friends, this gives off the feeling that perhaps Ying herself has gone through some circumstances too difficult to speak of.

It also hints that maybe Ailin feels as though her presence in her granddaughter’s life is not as important as she feels it should be. Perhaps as they both grow older, Ailin has less to offer to Ying than she wishes she did. There seems to be a thread of missed connections in this story: Ailin’s lost friendships, her physical disconnection from her son, her mental disconnection from her granddaughter, the lack of connection with her late husband. I wonder how much really changes by the end of the story. If anything, it seems as if Ailin and Ying find some connection through the sharing of stories of the past.

I really enjoyed this first discussion at the senior center. Never before have I had such a blatant conversation about aging, and everything that comes with it. I felt like everyone was being very honest and open about their opinions, which I really appreciated; I think it made for a much more interesting discussion than if we had all been trying to water down or sugar coat our opinions.

The women I spoke with were kind and opinionated. I was a bit surprised that there seemed to be more differentiation in opinion between the older women than there was across generations. We all seemed to agree on broader themes. The main things we talked about surrounded the idea of role reversals, specifically older people being “parented” by their own kids. In both stories, there were instances of the children assuming there were certain things that people could or could not do the older they got, and all of us were very frustrated by this theme.

We also talked a lot about different perspectives. Something we all agreed we found very interesting — and really appreciated — about They May Not Mean To, But They Do versus “My Man Bovanne” was the use of the omniscient third person. This allowed us as readers to see every event from both Joy’s view as well as Molly and Daniel’s views. For all of us, this allowed us to have sympathy for all the characters at different moments (or at the very least, see where the characters were coming from even if we didn’t agree).

The disagreements in our group came more into play in terms of the specifics of the stories. We all agreed that there were some complexities about forming a new relationship at an old age (in the case of Joy and Karl) but one woman thought Molly and Daniel were being harsher in their suspicions than they needed to. Also, some people thought the overall tone of They May Not Mean To, But They Do was hopeful and optimistic, while others thought it only got optimistic towards the end.

While our discussion focused mainly on the readings, we branched off to make connections to our own lives every once in a while. We could all speak to times we’ve been embarrassed by our parents, and how even though we tended to empathize more with the older women in the stories those past experiences helped us understand the children’s points of view a little bit better. At one point, I brought up how I thought a lot could be solved from the characters having an honest conversation about their needs and wants. One woman chimed in to say that she agreed but that it’s hard to know when and how to have that conversation. For her, it took her a long time to realize that her mom even possibly needed help. It was fascinating to hear about her perspective, as I have not yet felt the need to have those kinds of discussions with my parents.

Overall, I had a really wonderful time and I can’t wait to go back to meet new people and discuss new readings.