Coming to Age

Tymeirah Hayes

March 15, 2020

The part of the story that immediately caught my attention was the beginning of the story. In the story, The Hearing Trumpet, the main protagonist, Leonora Carrington, is introduced. A line in the story that describes Leonora’s place caught my attention. The line reads “ People who visited Carrington at the time were compelled to see the magic in the surroundings she created for herself.” This line stood out to me because it said a lot about Leonora as a character. Leonora who is 92 years old still makes sure that her surroundings are nice and up to par. I think this is important because it speaks to the core of Leonora as an older woman. Many people have a misperception of older women that once they reach a certain age there are no longer capable of impressing others. This quote contradicts that. Leonora in her old age is very much so still capable of impressing those around her and her character speaks through her surroundings.

Additionally, another reason why this quote stood out to me was because of how much it speaks to having self love. For example, in the quote it is made clear that Leonora had created magic for herself. In other stories about women, especially of older age, they’re always in need of someone to save them. In the sense where a man can give them purpose or meaning in life. However, this story starts off by highlighting that Leonora is able to make that magic and good in her life for herself and by herself. I think that the theme that this quote sheds light on is a woman practicing self care. It can be inferred from this quote that Leonora takes pride in her surroundings being magical and beautiful. People that visit her also receive it as such. I assume that it brings Leonora much satisfaction that people notice the efforts that she makes to make her surroundings so nice. Leonora from this quote represents the women that in simple ways practice self love everyday. Whether it be by grooming or nurturing themselves or the space around them. Making it clear that a man does not have to be involved for those things to be achieved.   

Tymeirah Hayes

March 1, 2020

In the book “the dark flood rises” I began to think about how complex aging really can be. Given that the main character is in her 70’s and is still trying to figure things out. This idea makes me think about my grandmother. She just turned 70 today actually. Yet, she still hasn’t figured it all out. I think that it is safe to say that no one will ever fully figure everything out. I feel that it is foolish for us to think that-that would even be a possibility. No one is immortal, and no one has ever lived forever. We are just as oblivious to the meaning of life as someone who is asked the question what life looks like after death. To be honest, that’s the beauty of it all. Not all things need solid answers. In the story there is no solid answer. 

In my interpretation the woman realizes that it’s more so about the journey than the take away from the life lived. This to me is very important to think about. Reason being because people are never given or allowed the space to just enjoy the journey. This story is very distinctive. A woman in her 70’s is taking a trip to England. If someone was to go by that alone the first question might be why. The woman would probably answer, after everything that she’s experienced, that it’s not about the why at all. Instead that it’s about the journey. The journey full of fun, sadness and genuine experience. People fail to realize that with age doesn’t come wisdom. With age comes experience, which then turns into wisdom. That wisdom isn’t always based on the simple fact that a person has the right answers. It is particularly about the experience they’ve lived through and their specific takeaways from that experience. This reading made me think a lot about my grandmother. She is very conscious of her age. Specifically, how much it gets in her way most of the time. The best thing about this story is that there is no solid plot and that the story tells different experiences. My takeaway from the story is that Fran’s age did not define her. That she was able to in the end feel proud and comfortable of the person she had become and was still looking forward to becoming. 

Tymeirah Hayes

February 21, 2020

The reading that I would like to focus on is Elizabeth Strout’s “Olive Kitteridge.”

We all know that sometimes it’s the simple things that can mean the most to us. In the beginning of the story, the character, Henry Kitteridge reminds us of that. In the first paragraph we are introduced to Henry Kitteridge, and given insight of the pleasantries in his world. For example, in the text it states, “Retired  now, he still wakes early and remembers how mornings used to be his favorite… the world were his secret, tires rumbling softly beneath him and the light emerging through the early fog, the brief sight of the bay off to his right, then the pines, tall and slender, and almost always he rode with the window partly open because he loved the smell of the pines and the heavy salt air, and in the winter he loved the smell of the cold,” which highlights that Henry Kitteridge found joy and loved the simple things in his life. Those simple things were sacred to him and fulfilled him in a way. I say that to say this piece of the text was the first to grab my attention. The reason being because I see a lot of myself in Henry Kitteridge at this point in the story. Reason being because Henry Kitteridge has mastered something that I look to master, and am sure others seek to master as well. The elements pointed out in this story are the power of simplicity and the power to find happiness in random places. For instance, in Henry Kitteridge case, he finds his joy in his short journey to work in the morning, and all the little details he notices during that time like the trees, his tires, the fog, the cold etc.

I say this to say, often times many people find themselves taking things such as those for granted. Infact, for most it can become boring and meaningless to them. However, Henry Kitteridge has found solace in his small journey to work, and has decided to not only take in, but to appreciate those small things. Allowing them to make him happy, and giving himself that space to let that be what these things mean for him. Many people fail to find the beauty in the simple things that life has to offer. So much so, that they let those small things make them more angry, or irritable rather than happy. Moreover, this small trip  Henry Kitteridge is taking full of all these simple, common things, allows him a small chance to be stuck in time. The meager trip to work gives him not only great pleasure, but also the opportunity to enjoy time with himself. Most people struggle with this. To allow appreciation to turn into pleasure, or even happiness. Instead of people reading this being excited because Henry Kitteridge has nice cars or a fancy life, they are instead forced to take notice with how happy he is in such a small, simple moment.

Tymeirah Hayes

February 10

 I related with many of the characters, I found myself resonating with Molly the most for a split second in the first passage of chapter 2. I connected with Molly’s character because of her relationship with her dad and how she viewed him. The line in chapter 2 that caught me read “Molly had been a daddy’s girl when she was very young… and … was her pride and joy… he would carry her… against his chest… and she would snuggle her face against his… extraordinary beard.” When I read that I immediately began to think of my own father and how close I was to him. My father and I had always been inseparable. He was special to me in every way. I looked at him like my own personal superman. 

The first passage of chapter 2, to me, brings many different elements to the story. For example, the reader is given more insight into the relationship shared between Molly, Daniel, and their father. There was a pleasant, and happy tone as their relationship was being brought to the light. You find out that Aaron was a unique father among all the others around in their community. The theme that I found in the passage was  “The Hero Dad.” You see from the beginning how loved and admired Aaron by both his children, but especially Molly. That to me was very relatable because I considered myself a daddy’s girl. It is common for a young girl’s dad to become her hero. With the reading later becoming more and more like a roller coaster ride, this passage allows a kind of pause in time. The reader for a split second is able to imagine themselves walking in a calm, and nice moment with the characters Molly, Daniel, and Aaron. Just two children, a brother, and a sister enjoying time with their superhero dad. For me, I was taken back to one of my memories that I shared with my little brother with our father before he died. The message that I took from the first passage was that Aaron started out as an amazingly unique dad, super even. Only to later and because of his health not be so super anymore and pass away. I feel that a theme like this is one we commonly and rarely come across “The Hero Dad”, but is one that still rangs so true.

On Friday March 6^th, I attended the poetry workshop at The Downtown Oakland Senior Center.  Jennifer King was the facilitator and is a graduate of Mills. I got to know the woman sitting next to me before the start of the class.  Due to her hearing aids, she wasn’t able to understand me completely, which turn out to be just as well.  I found, for the first time when talking with this group, the assumption that upon referring to my ex- that I was referring to a man.  She just kept going on about my husband and her husband.  It made the use of the wrong pronoun seem like nothing. I was not offended but it was not the space to correct or teach about these assumptions, especially with the lack of hearing.  That added an additional obstacle. 

In spite of that, it was really sweet to see some of the seniors that were at our previous class.  Ione whom I sat with at our last class, arrived late. Yet, as soon as they entered, we smiled at each other and they came and sat right next to me.  It was just like seeing an old friend.  I shared one of my pieces of poetry with the class and most of them felt as though it was too abstract even though it was pretty contextual.  We laughed a lot about it and I found their impressions insightful. 

After class, Ione and I caught up and talked.  We agreed that we were looking forward to seeing each other again soon. Another member of the group stopped me on my way out and asked about copyrighting.  I assured them that I was no expert but that I did know some things as I used to have my own greeting card company.  I am saddened that our visits have been postponed this semester.  I do hope to be able to visit the center to see some of these friends again. 

Once again, I really enjoyed this visit to the Senior Center. As with our last trip, there was a lot of joy and humor in our conversation, and also a lot of passion. That’s an interesting breakdown of a stereotype that I find applied to old women in particular–that they’re complacent or checked out, not present enough to have opinions, or to be excited or angry. 

Giselle noted this in their blog post–we were at the same table–we didn’t focus heavily on the book itself but it served as an entrance into a much broader conversation that delved into our personal and family lives. 

We discussed cultural values around aging people, which I was excited to talk about as it’s something I consider often. My dad is from India, and India being a culture deeply connected to family structures, it’s understood without discussion that it’s the responsibility of adult children and grandchildren to care for their aging parents. When my grandfather started to get sick and to need more help, my family helped my grandparents move to Bangalore, where my cousin and his wife live, so that they could ensure both of my grandparents had the support they needed. My grandfather has since passed, and as my grandmother is getting older, my dad is planning to bring her to California to live with him. There was no questioning this decision–culturally there’s no other option. 

My mom’s side of the family, on the other hand, handles aging very differently. My mom and her family are white Midwesterners and consistently as family members have aged they’ve been placed in nursing homes. At the senior center, we discussed this pattern as one that’s very American: because our culture is so individualistic, there’s a major reluctance to shift one’s own life to accommodate the needs of our elderly relatives. Where my dad’s side of the family will move, change jobs, find new schools for their children, etc., if that’s what’s required to support one another, my mom’s side prioritizes personal wellbeing over the wellbeing of the unit. 

I often feel torn between these two ideologies–knowing that community support and the wellbeing of the people around me is deeply important to me, and that I want to hold boundaries around taking care of myself before I try to take care of others. We had a long talk about the way that institutional structures in America make it almost impossible to do both of those things–we can hardly support ourselves, so we can’t support each other, and there’s no adequate system in place to properly support folks as they age. While that’s always a frustrating fact to remember, I found it validating to hear that other people are feeling the same frustration, and hopeful to know that there are people across generations who want to work to change that.

My second visit to the senior center was brief but very sweet. My self and Lila presented on the book and we had presented on the author, criticism, and themes of the book. Overall the research I found was very interesting compared to my own take on the book. The criticism I found made me question whether Fran was or wasn’t a hero. In turn, this question made me think about the women at the Senior Center and how their daily lives could be seen as heroic.

I did get to briefly talk to to my table mates and I met two new people! They were very sweet and before class started we quickly began to discuss the obsession with dying as Fran did. I was really interested to see if they had the same thoughts. Luckily they did not, but what they did share was about the preparation process such as wills, and funeral/cremation costs. What my friends from the senior center were able to share with me was that they have in order their preparation and that took a large amount of stress off of their shoulders. What I was interested in was the fact that some people have to “prepare” to die. This thought is something that has came up for me more and more since going to the Senior Center. I cannot wait to go back!

(Turned in late via SASS accommodations) 

This time around, I looked at our visit to the center with significantly less anxiety. Our first visit had set a lot of my worries to rest, and I was incredibly excited to give it another try. That being said, I was a little nervous about the discussion. I hadn’t connected with The Dark Flood Rises in the same way as I had with They May Not Mean To, But They Do and I was worried that might affect my ability to contribute to the discussion, or my enjoyment of the day. I was pleasantly surprised on both counts. The discussion was compelling, everyone at the table had unique insights, and I enjoyed myself quite a bit. 

 

I was surprised by some of the turns our conversation took. The book, rather than dominating the discussion as it had with They May Not Mean To, But They Do worked instead as a framework for our conversation, giving us a jumping-off point that led to some genuinely fascinating observations about aging, healthcare, capitalism, and American culture.

 

While we were discussing Fran and Josephine, one of my senior partners brought up an interesting point regarding how, while other cultures value the elderly for their experience and wisdom, American culture seems more interested in hiding them away or controlling them, viewing them as an inconvenience rather than an asset. This sparked a very interesting conversation about America’s individualistic, ‘every man for himself’ culture that I found incredibly eye-opening when taken in the context of the work we’ve been doing. How much of American ageism comes from the idea that a person’s worth is based on how much they can produce or profit? How has our collective obsession with self-reliance and independence hurt and isolated us, especially those who are most marginalized or vulnerable? Why do we fear the idea of needing others to survive, and so often resent being needed? 

 

This, of course, led to a really interesting conversation about the capitalist obsession with productivity, profit, and expedience. I was honestly a little surprised that the seniors at our table seemed just as frustrated and disillusioned with the current state of things as I was. This also led to a conversation about wealth, privilege, and the importance of community that I really enjoyed. 

 

Along with our wonderful discussion on the book, the seniors were kind enough to share very interesting bits of their lives, past and present. One of them even showed us a creative writing piece she was working on about her time in the Peace Corps and told us stories of her time abroad. Getting to know these women on a personal level has been one of my favorite parts of this class. I be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed we only have one senior center visit left.

I had the pleasure of speaking to Kitty on Monday during our visit to the senior center. My partners and I arrived 3 minutes late to class and so all of the other tables were full with Mills students and the women from the center. We sat at an empty table hoping to find a seat with other students or women after Ruth’s introduction of the novel. After a couples of minutes, in walked Kitty, the woman who we would end up having a wonderful conversation about aging and death with.  She rushed over to our table and sat down.

Kitty shared with us how uneasy death makes her feel. She said there was a wall she did not dare move past because it would force her to face mortality, and she was not ready to be dependent on others. One of Kitty’s worst fears is to hear her daughter sighing as she tends to Kitty’s needs in the future.

I expressed that I felt the same way. I do not like to think about aging, I am worried enough about my parents aging and that is all I can take in the moment. Kitty wondered how the protagonists extreme preoccupation with everyone affected her and her loved ones. She mentioned that she knows people who like to concern themselves with other things in an attempt to relieve their minds of what she calls the dark cloud hanging over them. She admits that she too has a cloud following her but she tries to live in the moment and do the best with what she has. Kitty said it was important to live in the now and to take care of yourself as well because it puts your family members at ease.

Something that Kitty did not expect to have to worry about was her children and grandchildren as she aged. A huge part about aging is considering how it will affect the family members around you, Kitty says she doesn’t want to leave a mess for her daughter to take care of after she passes.

I really enjoyed my conversation with Kitty and my group this visit. It was a conversation I did not know I needed but something that brought me enormous insight and peace.

I really enjoyed my first experience discussing a reading with members from the Oakland Senior Center. The first conversation that took place at my table was initiated by the prompt about what the “dark flood” looks like in our personal lives. The other members at my table just jumped right into conversation about how all three of them don’t have intense fear surrounding death or even ambivalence. One member even said she has lost so many friends already, that she welcomes the end of life, even though she finds her life to be wonderful. I really appreciated speaking with these three women who were so frank and open about such a taboo subject.

On a lighter note, we also discussed how throughout this book’s heavy theme of death, there were many moments illuminating the simplicity, novelty, frivolousness, triviality of life. The biggest example of this that came to every group member’s mind was the scene where Fran makes a perfect soft-boiled egg. As a group we reflected on how this scene is out of character for Fran, but how it depicted the enjoyment in simple moments and how rewarding just being present-focused can be, even when life never slows down with its darker moments.

I had a lot of meditation in my group on how I had focused mostly on how I could pick apart how Fran’s behavior throughout the story was due to her constant fear and confusion around such a complex idea like death. I was so intrigued by how the other group members resonated less with this obvious theme, and particularly with moments that are much less somber. I found it especially refreshing to have heard the other group members’ perspectives on how much intimacy there was among so many of the characters. We talked about how tender many of the complex relationships were in this story, even when these relationships seem taboo given the example of ex-lovers still expressing intimacy and love with each other.